Dear God

Dear God,

It’s been a while since I wrote in my “Dear God journal”, but I have been constantly hearing to seek you first and pray I have been in denial saying you aren’t speaking to me. When in reality you are practically screaming at me. Today I was talking about getting a  part-time retail job is not a praise God thing.

Yes, it’s something to be thankful for but nothing to get overly excited about. I realized that I am not grateful. I know I have been a bad steward for years. My thinking has been this is nice but this isn’t a big

Lord, I was watching Diary of a Mad Black Woman today. When I first saw the movie I left I could relate.  I thought I can still relate. Like Helen, I put a man before you. Like the main character, I have been in abusive relationships. I have allowed men to convince me to isolate. I have allowed them to control my finances. I didn’t believe I was capable. I never had believed I was capable. Ever since I realized I didn’t want to live with my family at 19 years old, I never thought I could make it on my own. In 2013, I didn’t believe I could make on my own. I refused to trust you to provide an answer. I have been trying to walk the fence for a long time. Now It’s time for me to decide which side I am really on.

God, you know my heart, better than I do. You know for years I have harbored jealousy and hatred and how it has hurt me and I didn’t even realize it. I really did drink poison thinking it was going to hurt others. You know how I have turned my back on my children because that is easier than fighting for them.

You know how anxious conflict makes and that I am passive aggressive. I see my oldest daughter becoming just like me in some ways. Her priorities are not in order. She has some immaturity. I see myself being like my parents wanting to control. I know that is not my place. My youngest daughter feels abandoned. I don’t want to deal with it.

God, I need a warrior spirit. I need to be battling and I am trying to hide.

God, I need a vocation, not a job. I am wondering about being a writer? It’s the career I wanted before but I couldn’t figure out how to make it happened. I wanted to do Professional Administrative Support Services to make money and enable to me to do the book. I know have 2 books I want to write. One I have started, one in the outline phase that I need to research. I have titles for some other books.

Lord, I am still questioning my ability?

Lord, I realize I have gotten involved with abusive men because I believed they could cover me. I gravitate towards controlling relationships because I believe they allowed me to be irresponsible. I thought it absolved me of responsibility but in reality, it doesn’t. You will still hold me accountable.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change and the courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.

In 2015, I wrote a series of Dear God letters after attending a woman’s Empowerment Luncheon. I have been asked to share one of my letters publicly at an event this spring. This is the second Dear God letter I have shared publicly. I hope that my transparency is a blessing to someone.


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